I Just Want to Say

Death has been dancing on the fringes of my life for these past few weeks...an uncle of a family member, a friend of my sister's, people related to those I've come to know on line.

But, last night, he sucker punched me, even though I knew he lurked nearby for someone I loved dearly, my dad.

We're never ready, really ready, I think. I wasn't.

Logically, we all know death is inevitable. Logically.

But, not emotionally.

Because even though I knew it was time, really well past time, it seemed, I'm just not ready.

But, ready or not, death claimed my dad last night.

Right now, I'm a bit adrift and caught up in all that death entails. So many arrangements to be made. A jugging of who can be there, and who can't. Figuring out who will play what part in the days to come.

The business of death keeps everyone moving and doing. The emotional crash will come sometime next week, I think.

For now, I'm focusing on what needs to be done.

The monkeys seem to be in control of my mind, willy nilly tossing out thoughts and memories like so many seeds scattered on the spring breezes.

For now, from my heart to his, because in so many senses, he'll always be with me:

 

Now that you've gone,

I just want to say that I loved you,

And that I woke up thinking that you can't possibly not be here with me.

 

I want you to know now that you've left,

That you taught me so much

Lessons tucked here and there in the busy-ness of life.

 

I love the memories of you leaving everyone laughing

As you walked away, a twinkle in your dark brown eyes

And a shit eating grin on your face.

 

Let me just say that the days ahead

Are going to be incredibly tough

Gathering together to honor not your passing, but your life.

 

I've always thought that funerals should be

More about celebrating

And less about dark clothes and gloomy faces.

You loved to laugh, to dance, and

You took every chance to be ornery that you could find.

 

Let me just say,

That I know you had faults.

Don't we all?

But you never left me feeling unloved.

 

Now, that you're gone,

I want to tell you thank you

For teaching me that this world holds so much magic

And that I need to get out and see it.

 

Know that I loved it all

The hot dog pieces floating in Campbell's chicken noodle soup.

I thought you quite the chef.

The beach trips with all of us tucked

Into that one tiny trailer, like sardines in a can.

The gift of photography and

The ability to capture light.

 

Let me just say,

That I'll hold these memories and more,

Tucked into my soul and my heart

And, I'll toss them into the air

Like confetti

And capture all of their magic in my hands.

 

 

Comments

[Bev]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad Paula. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Such a beautiful tribute in your poem to your dad.

[Patricia Reid]

Paula, your words touched my heart. I hardly ever post anything on the website anymore but I happened to see this. He sounds like he was a grand person and you appreciated his life. My condolences.

[Deb Mariano Ondeck]

Beautiful. He IS gone in the physical sense but you will find him in the spiritual sense. What a great man your Dad was and, for that, you are fortunate. Please get through these next hard days knowing you are loved and surrounded by those who care.

[Paula Bogdan]

Thank you, Bev. I so appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

[Paula Bogdan]

Thank you, Patricia; he was truly a one of a kind in the very best way!

[Paula Bogdan]

He was indeed an absolutely awesome man, wasn't he? Thank you for the kind words.

[Glenda Barber Hoagland]

Love to you my friend.

[Paula Bogdan]

Thank you, my friend. I love you as well!

[Lisa Murphy]

I am visiting your blog from the post card swap as the red truck (or you!) landed in my mailbox in Asheville, NC. I am so sorry to read your post about your Dad's passing and send my sympathys and confirmation of no your are never really ready. May the crack in your heart be filled with love and memories that make you smile. I couldn't quite figure out where you are from but i grew up in PA and felt a connection when you said you visited your Dad there somewhere. Thanks for the wonderful postcard your photography is wonderful and has a language all its own. Peace to you and your family at this time.
LIsa
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