Death has been dancing on the fringes of my life for these past few weeks...an uncle of a family member, a friend of my sister's, people related to those I've come to know on line.
But, last night, he sucker punched me, even though I knew he lurked nearby for someone I loved dearly, my dad.
We're never ready, really ready, I think. I wasn't.
Logically, we all know death is inevitable. Logically.
But, not emotionally.
Because even though I knew it was time, really well past time, it seemed, I'm just not ready.
But, ready or not, death claimed my dad last night.
Right now, I'm a bit adrift and caught up in all that death entails. So many arrangements to be made. A jugging of who can be there, and who can't. Figuring out who will play what part in the days to come.
The business of death keeps everyone moving and doing. The emotional crash will come sometime next week, I think.
For now, I'm focusing on what needs to be done.
The monkeys seem to be in control of my mind, willy nilly tossing out thoughts and memories like so many seeds scattered on the spring breezes.
For now, from my heart to his, because in so many senses, he'll always be with me:
Now that you've gone,
I just want to say that I loved you,
And that I woke up thinking that you can't possibly not be here with me.
I want you to know now that you've left,
That you taught me so much
Lessons tucked here and there in the busy-ness of life.
I love the memories of you leaving everyone laughing
As you walked away, a twinkle in your dark brown eyes
And a shit eating grin on your face.
Let me just say that the days ahead
Are going to be incredibly tough
Gathering together to honor not your passing, but your life.
I've always thought that funerals should be
More about celebrating
And less about dark clothes and gloomy faces.
You loved to laugh, to dance, and
You took every chance to be ornery that you could find.
Let me just say,
That I know you had faults.
Don't we all?
But you never left me feeling unloved.
Now, that you're gone,
I want to tell you thank you
For teaching me that this world holds so much magic
And that I need to get out and see it.
Know that I loved it all
The hot dog pieces floating in Campbell's chicken noodle soup.
I thought you quite the chef.
The beach trips with all of us tucked
Into that one tiny trailer, like sardines in a can.
The gift of photography and
The ability to capture light.
Let me just say,
That I'll hold these memories and more,
Tucked into my soul and my heart
And, I'll toss them into the air
And capture all of their magic in my hands.