Choosing to BE

 
"....choosing to Be in the moment, LIVE this precious day, because I have been given this precious gift and I sure don't want to waste it in fear and worry." Kim Mailhot

I have always always adored Kim and her blog; when she wrote it today, she must have had no idea that she would give me the words I needed to sit and begin this post.

Oh, yeah, my world has been rocked, and I am going to need to find my center again.

Early Sunday morning, my sister called me and as I picked up the phone, I knew the news could not be good. My wonderful dad, who we are steadily losing to dementia, did not know some very close friends nor the restaurant he's been to several times a week for the last 10 years or more. He simply did not know them.

Denise hurried to his home, and she found him very confused. He told her that he'd stayed home because no one had come to get him. They visited awhile and he seemed to regain his sense of self. They enjoyed a breakfast out together.

Phil called him Sunday evening, as we always do. Dad began to ramble, and we knew that something was off...way off. He seemed to totally exist in another time and space, and much of what he told Phil made no sense.

By Monday morning again, things seemed "okay," or at least as okay as one can be when living in the grips of dementia. A medical appointment had been made a week or so ago, and Denise planned to pick him up from "Daddy Day Care" as we called it. As she drove, Dad obviously again rambled, and there seemed to be no way to quiet him down.

So began hours of hell, trying to figure out where to take him for help and how to get him in to someone who really would get what was happening. Eventually, he and Denise made their way to the VA Urgent Care Clinic, where we were told what we had suspected, something other than just dementia was afoot.

Early this morning, the wonderful people at VA transferred Dad to another hospital, where a good neurologist could do a work up.

Diagnosis? A hemorrage in his brain. They will try to treat it with meds. Dad continues to descend in the depths of utter confusion. He's rarely lucid.

RIght now, it's much a waiting game. We're taking it all minute by minute. The dad I know is nowhere in sight.

And, so, my world is rocked.

Kim's words...to live this life and to not waste today echo and bounce about in my mind. When dad left his home yesterday morning, he had no idea he'd not be back. Even if he survives this, he will not be going to the home in which he made his entrance into this world 86 years ago.

In many ways, I am okay with losing my dad. In many ways, I've lost him some time ago. But, there's still a part of me that wants to sit and cry, and I am sure that I will. I can't spend my time stewing in worry...I can't change the outcome here. What will be will be.

I know he wants to be with his Annie. I know that.

None of us know, do we? Japan had no idea really how their world would be rocked. Dad had no idea that most likely he's left home for the last time.

So, we need to live this life...to hug our spouses, our kids, our dogs, etc. We need to stop waiting for the perfect moments to do something.

We need to live.

Dad loved life, people, and all this world contains.

I love you, daddy. I love you.

Comments

[kelly]

Sending much love and strength in this difficult time...

[Kim Mailhot]

Ah, my sweet Paula, I am so sorry that this difficult thing has come upon you. I so admire and love the way you have chosen to make life and living the focus, even as your Dad winds down his journey here with us. Know you are loved, understood and held. Thank you for celebrating our connection here today too.
Love you.

[MarjaS]

Thank you for this post and a lot of strength, love and courage.
I also got some bad news about someone close to me today and I'll keep these words in mind.

[Jeannine]

I'm so very sorry.

[Tschwizzle123]

I feel really bad for you!!

[MissKoolAid]

What a terrible situation when you know there is nothing you can do to make it better. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts.