This is my brain....wheel upon wheel upon wheel, almost always in motion, spinning wildly. Lots of little hamsters peddling madly away.
I don't just sit still, or at least my monkey mind doesn't seem to do so. Hhhmmnnn....monkeys and hamsters; what an image!
But, back to the brain; it's thinking, analyzing, multi-tasking.
I can multi-task with the best of them.
Yes, I know that multi-tasking is NOT a good thing. Almost every expert I've read lately states that it's inefficient, and it's just plain not good for you.
I know that I should be "in the moment," but it's really hard to beat the multi-tasking out of me. I've taught for too long; being able to multi-task in a classroom guaranteed success, or at least, survival. Or, so it seemed.
But...at least 30+ years of teaching and multi-tasking while teaching...and years of it before that...it's simply my go to method.
Did you just look at this and go "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Me, too, and it's where I thought my brain had taken up new residence.
At least, I hoped, my brain was in the process of moving in to that state. I felt pretty good about my progress, truth be told.
Until this past week, when I listened to Jennifer Louden's "Summer Oasis" podcast. Jennifer's voice floated through my brain, words like "maybe you don't want to be here" and "maybe you're wondering why you even signed up."
Nope, not me I thought smugly. I'm ready. More than ready. Bring it on.
And, Jennifer did.
Her next voice stopped me dad.
"Or maybe, you're just having a hard time settling and listening."
Picture me in my studio, busily multi-tasking while I listened to the podcast, "listening" to her podcast.
Because, you see, I was multi-tasking away. Straightening up. Putting things away.
And, she went on about not feeling as if we (I) deserved the time to just sit, listen, and journal when she asked us to do so.
Forget the hamsters and monkeys on wheels in my head; lights were going off left and right.
Why couldn't I be still? Just listen to a wonderful podcast about serenity and calm? My smugness vanished into cyberspace somewhere.
I put all the stuff that needed doing aside. I felt like the kid the teacher had caught talking when she should not have been talking.
I put every ounce into sitting, attending, and thinking about what Jennifer was telling me.
I worked...and trust me, it was WORK...on simply being in the moment.
I don't have the answers to what I was doing. Force of habit, partially. A feeling of not being productive and/or working, I guess.
I suppose there's more to it, but Jennifer reminded me that part of my work was to nurture myself.
So, I'm working on it, and I'm truly a work in progress.